Bad Dream (Part I)

I dreamed about it because it really happened

Reality insistent

It just came crashing

We knew all the dangers but just dived in

Forever altering our ability to ever be friends

Volkswagen didn’t make this so no take backs

No safety features

There was no party but I promise you we raised our Jesus pieces

My sadness was on overflow

May as well have been rape for the toll it took

No victim comparison

It happened to me too but that’s a story for another book

He said I could not be his baby’s mama

And for some reason I agreed I had no right to demand a life for his seed

Silly me the murderer because I was too weak

Didn’t wanna face the music

The whole talk was so cheap

We created a ghost that would follow me through years

We created a ghost that would talk to me in my sleep

And you will say I had choices

But let me tell you about choices

No matter which one you choose you still hear voices

And that word hoe that people throw around

I became fine with it

Must be because they liked me

I went to town with it

I was so hot even the girls liked me

Yet my best time was with the fifth of Hennessy in my drawer

I wanted everything that happened behind closed doors to be outdoors before

But after that thing happened I wasn’t happy anymore

Deep down there was a sadness whittling a perfect hole in my heart

And everything around me just happened but I didn’t feel I was part of it

I found things to destroy

My life mostly

Without my daughter to live for hell would be toasting me right now

Had I known trauma would be inbound because one day out of my life

I might’ve stopped I might’ve thought

And brought the probability of this particular bad dream to a halt



I’m falling

Flailing towards the bottom

Friends around I’ve got them

Turning like leaves in autumn

Ignoring my trail of tears that has surpassed my path

Not preventing me from laughing just to be laughing

Nothing is funny

My act is just intact

I’m excelling in class

Feeling like I’m still dead last

The world is too vast for me to imagine my future is not some narrow channel in time


The only thing sure is my future is mine

The choices are mine

And if you can fathom being stuck in a corner

Notebook and pen with no real prompt for your life to begin

You’re watching the party

No inclination to join in

Not sure you’ll ever have a reason to celebrate

Quite sure together is not a thing you can communicate

Especially when solitude is all you can relate to


Friendships pattern, a bunch of mistakes who keep popping up out of the woodworks

Reminding me of things that still hurt

I remember being naïve and believing words

Affected by people and things they’ve heard

I wasn’t even trying to be special

I hoped to disappear

Now I have to remind people that I’m here

Here in the flesh

Thrashing about

Making a mess

Sharing my feelings with people I’ve never met

Until the whole world knows the rhythm of my beating heart


Maybe then I will land

Perhaps even gently