Letter to my soulcrusher

No asylum for my feelings I can’t be emotional

I’m a pariah when I tell the truth

You want my lies It’s so personal

And I take things too personal Feeling like everything is costing me my life

Seems like no matter what I try to do, all that hard effort will end in my strife

And it ain’t right like cheap vodka no chaser

Emotions bitter flavored and it makes me scrunch my face up

Too heavy too loud no rock concerts

No grins no smiles my feelings too hurt

Let me insert

I think it’s funny how…

Head tilted up

This ain’t no meme You got me messed up

You say I’m acting tough or too non-chalant

But when I act a fool suddenly I’m the crazy one

I hope you having fun killin me

You’d kick me off a cliff and write my eulogy with entitled audacity

Why not let me be me with no apologies?

It’s a real question

Instead you walking around like you feelin me

Long as things are good for you, you keep forgettin me

This is epitome of how I don’t want to be

I just want my life journey to be a good one

But my soul can’t breathe

Silent Treatment

My breath gets caught in my chest when I look into your eyes at times Your eyes that smile and scowl as if independent from the rest of your face. You can condemn me without words. You can tell me you love me with a glance. The sound of your voice is a bonus but your silence is a curse that cuts The touch of your lips can soothe the sting of the wound it causes but love and understanding is the only real cure Your sincerity would give you the prayer to pray that would hide both our hearts from the dreaded silence that erodes the progress that we brave our own minds for My sincerity keeps me here swiftly bowing in what I hope is not too long of an apology for not being as kind as possible

When you’re angry with me

I don’t take rejection very well It’s like when I lose my temper Nothing matters Cold like December I freeze over My idle hands empty as my mind becomes. Heavy and graceless And the tears won’t run It seems redundant. So the sun goes down on a frown, maybe the longest running. And whatever angry energy remains at 3 in the morning turns to sadness and full blown depression by five And rather than be in my feelings I’m scarcely alive having shut down and retreated as far as I can to hide away from my own heart

Grass Seemed Greener

There was green grass in that whisper

You said everything I wanted to hear

You were the switch I was the light fixture

But like all things you cost me something

I wish it was only money but you cost me time

Time I suddenly wanted back

The horizontal view of you was like a restaurant that cost a lot but never served enough food

Everything I heard from you was skewed

All I could think of was what you lacked

You were the punch line of all my friends’ jokes

I had no witty comebacks

I had plenty people saying come through

It was harder than hard to stay loyal to you

I try to remember what it was I had seen

Then I remember how I thought your grass was so green

Karma so beautiful

Karma so mean

Perception so tricky I was dead at the scene

Hit with something

Was it love or a bullet?

Going off halfcocked

So many people are foolish

In a hurry to end up waiting to exhale

To feel some cool air outside of living hell

Don’t rush, blow your fork, and chew your food, swallow

That person you think so great might not be tomorrow

War Bout Listening

On a midnight mission to make you listen

Trying to stay out of my kitchen

Don’t wanna drink and start trippin

I’m pouring cherry coke and brandy and cognac and whatever brown I got

I’m downing the bottle until I’m in the bottom of it looking up

Lost

Thinking too hard about what you saying and not anything that I said

For a second

Split

I think maybe I should have said sorry but then I remember again that you never listen

Quit

Talking

I can’t even hear you anymore

I’m sliding to the floor, head in my hands

Not wanting to understand

I feel like showing my ass

And later I’ll wonder why you left so fast

And I’ll get up and step on broken bits of plate

Trailing blood on my carpet in a quickly sobered up state

Six in the morning wondering if you’ll come back home or call

Not knowing if I really want you here at all

Not sure if I said that to you or myself

I did a lot of talking and not much else

Maybe if I’d listened I’d know how we both felt

Oh…

Well you should’ve listened to me in the first place!