Bad Dream (Part I)

I dreamed about it because it really happened

Reality insistent

It just came crashing

We knew all the dangers but just dived in

Forever altering our ability to ever be friends

Volkswagen didn’t make this so no take backs

No safety features

There was no party but I promise you we raised our Jesus pieces

My sadness was on overflow

May as well have been rape for the toll it took

No victim comparison

It happened to me too but that’s a story for another book

He said I could not be his baby’s mama

And for some reason I agreed I had no right to demand a life for his seed

Silly me the murderer because I was too weak

Didn’t wanna face the music

The whole talk was so cheap

We created a ghost that would follow me through years

We created a ghost that would talk to me in my sleep

And you will say I had choices

But let me tell you about choices

No matter which one you choose you still hear voices

And that word hoe that people throw around

I became fine with it

Must be because they liked me

I went to town with it

I was so hot even the girls liked me

Yet my best time was with the fifth of Hennessy in my drawer

I wanted everything that happened behind closed doors to be outdoors before

But after that thing happened I wasn’t happy anymore

Deep down there was a sadness whittling a perfect hole in my heart

And everything around me just happened but I didn’t feel I was part of it

I found things to destroy

My life mostly

Without my daughter to live for hell would be toasting me right now

Had I known trauma would be inbound because one day out of my life

I might’ve stopped I might’ve thought

And brought the probability of this particular bad dream to a halt

Just A Hug

I miss you even though you’re standing right there
We’re a million miles in separate directions leading to nowhere
We’re reaching out grabbing fists full of air
We’re reaching out because we don’t know what else to do

We’re seeking solace
Just need a piece
Just need contact
Not restless sleep

It’s definitely my fault
I let you go
You asked for love and I said no
I had your bags packed
I was so ready
Didn’t want reminders of you
But you were everywhere

Trying not to think of you
But you’re still standing there
A monolith that maidens hang flowers on
The picture of joy and gaiety
I want you to hate me
Because it haunts me
The truth
That you loved me and still do

Whatever wrongs there were
I can’t dwell on
What could’ve been makes me cry
Life was concrete and I fell on it
I played cool about it because I knew why

I put popularity over my happiness
I threw away forever for something temporary
And gratification was so instant that it was gone in an instant
And my craving was so insistent
I plowed through the beds of my choosing
If alcohol and sex were drugs
I was using

I was abusing
I was abused
I was damaged
I wanted to be used
I didn’t feel like a person
I thought it all had to be a dream
Or a nightmare where everyone was insincere and mean

You were in my corner
Even though I pierced your soul
You stood tall although I knew you couldn’t possibly be whole
Nobody compared

Silly me
I compared them all to you
And they failed
Miserably
And I put them all out of their misery
But of course having done that
There was no comfort for me
I was in a bad place
And you couldn’t save me

I had to save myself
And you couldn’t pay me to wrinkle time
I could never undo anything that was done anyway
We are who are because of it
And we know life is not a black cloud that we’re stuck in
Though it seems like we’re looking at each other from separate universes
And we’re reaching in
For us, just a hug would be amazing

Bitter drink

The pretty words could describe my outer image
It would be quite normal to describe my insides as unfinished
I constantly let outside influences diminish me like a phantom menace threatening to finish me
And not like an artist completes a piece or a runner completes a marathon
The destruction, it does go on and on
But the process, I think, is a lesser evil
The real enemy is my own negativity that I hold in my bosom like a baby and let it feed
Bitterness that strong drink that I went and bought from the liquor store
I say I crave greatness but imbibe that drank more
The endurance is left to be seen and many are pushing
Pushing me right out of the way
Very few are helping me stand up straight
They don’t hear me singing drunkenly
Please carry me home tonight
My choices are the things I taste in the back of my throat
And sometimes it’s regret that I regurgitate
I try to customize myself on the outside
Just know that imaginary applause is the only sound that pretty makes
The turning of pages is what comforts me the most
The thing that tortures me it turns out is my very own ghost
I never really let go of what was or what could have been
There’s a lot of why and because
There are lot of conversations that were never had
There were a lot of misunderstandings
And not very much understanding on my part that life is more than a bunch of mistakes
I should not be devoting so much time to rinsing out the taste of a few bitter sips