Letter to my soulcrusher

No asylum for my feelings I can’t be emotional

I’m a pariah when I tell the truth

You want my lies It’s so personal

And I take things too personal Feeling like everything is costing me my life

Seems like no matter what I try to do, all that hard effort will end in my strife

And it ain’t right like cheap vodka no chaser

Emotions bitter flavored and it makes me scrunch my face up

Too heavy too loud no rock concerts

No grins no smiles my feelings too hurt

Let me insert

I think it’s funny how…

Head tilted up

This ain’t no meme You got me messed up

You say I’m acting tough or too non-chalant

But when I act a fool suddenly I’m the crazy one

I hope you having fun killin me

You’d kick me off a cliff and write my eulogy with entitled audacity

Why not let me be me with no apologies?

It’s a real question

Instead you walking around like you feelin me

Long as things are good for you, you keep forgettin me

This is epitome of how I don’t want to be

I just want my life journey to be a good one

But my soul can’t breathe

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Late Admission

I was on IG today when I realized what’s going on

It hit me why I never erased your number from my phone

I loved you once

I was into you but the truth it pisses me off because I thought

I moved on from you

Swore I did

Ignored your phone calls to prove it

But still it’s like you parked your car on my heart and never moved it

As soon as I see you with somebody smiling, It hits me

I never made you smile like that

And it gets me

because I think maybe I never knew you

or maybe I’m missing out on the new you

So I’m parading around like I’m the new black

Heart heavy with feelings I’m trying hold back

Never expected to be hung up like that

but your face is a trigger

Making me act distracted like I had no reaction

Can’t give you the satisfaction though that smile pervades my private place

my personal space

Making vivid memories that won’t erase

My conscious remote

I press fast forward

My mind tries to move me

My heart needs a lawyer

It’s guilty as ever of betraying me

I never got over you Iike I tried to believe

Signs of life

Life is all our dreams and nightmares

We never wake up until someone appears that cares

We never really live until we love

Even then we never know how truly majestic breathing is until we suffer

When we suffer, the arms that we fall into may lead us astray

But the love of a true friend could always save us

I know I ain’t brave

Sometimes I think everything I’ve ever done is a mistake and everything I’ve accumulated is fake

What intangible quality have I acquired when I feel like I can’t have the things I desire?

My anger and anxiety could set the world on fire

But my, my, couldn’t I burn the image of my smile into the minds of every human being

If only I could just consistently do it

But tragedy befalls the beautiful dreamer if they never wake up

Only mourners follow and only to feel self important

In life my dreams may be nothing to the next man

Most don’t have time to try to understand

So feel amazing if you do find a soul out there that wants to celebrate birthdays with you

That wants to find a way to make everyday like the first

So random that it couldn’t be rehearsed

Crazy enough to make you feel so near and dear

Constantly performing magic to make relief reappear should life become a hurricane

Reaction

The pull is otherworldly
It’s like a fog suddenly descends as you walk toward me
Your eyes seem to glow
It could be desire or maybe it’s just carnal instinct
The tension is leaving my body and my bra strap is sliding
You grab my breast as if you’re grabbing for life
You kiss me like power will enter your body via my mouth
My lips almost burn with the heat you radiate
My movements seem to be almost beyond my control
It’s very hard to focus so I just release my mind to wander
And it takes me to another place like we’re not merely in a room
Breathing hard in a flurry of rapid movement and falling articles of clothing
You stand there and I feel like I’ve never seen naked flesh
I’m gasping
my heart is beating fast
I am amazed at your beauty
I am always amazed
It’s like I called tails on a coin flip
The odds were in my favor and I got lucky
Except I don’t really look at you like a charm or a trophy
It really impossible for me to compare you to anything inanimate
You are so unapologetically alive
Your touch is awareness
Your breath on my neck awakens all dormant sensations
Your arms around me
Your body joined with me
The pleasure you freely give is a trap door in a cloud
I’m sure we were floating
I’m sure I’ve become rain coming down
And it’s the misty kind that cools the summer night

Bitter drink

The pretty words could describe my outer image
It would be quite normal to describe my insides as unfinished
I constantly let outside influences diminish me like a phantom menace threatening to finish me
And not like an artist completes a piece or a runner completes a marathon
The destruction, it does go on and on
But the process, I think, is a lesser evil
The real enemy is my own negativity that I hold in my bosom like a baby and let it feed
Bitterness that strong drink that I went and bought from the liquor store
I say I crave greatness but imbibe that drank more
The endurance is left to be seen and many are pushing
Pushing me right out of the way
Very few are helping me stand up straight
They don’t hear me singing drunkenly
Please carry me home tonight
My choices are the things I taste in the back of my throat
And sometimes it’s regret that I regurgitate
I try to customize myself on the outside
Just know that imaginary applause is the only sound that pretty makes
The turning of pages is what comforts me the most
The thing that tortures me it turns out is my very own ghost
I never really let go of what was or what could have been
There’s a lot of why and because
There are lot of conversations that were never had
There were a lot of misunderstandings
And not very much understanding on my part that life is more than a bunch of mistakes
I should not be devoting so much time to rinsing out the taste of a few bitter sips

Noise

The noise is so insistent

Time so unrepentant

It leaves me behind

I’m stuck in the past remembering a better time

There is no room in the present

I want to wedge myself in between what was and will be

I want to live but somehow I’m frozen

Aging at a standstill

Life passing by in a parade of fools

Fools that enjoy and lay waste to everything I wish I had

Mediocrity smiling in my face as it excels

I rot in anonymity

I sob inky tears onto white paper

I toil in gray with blue skies out of my reach

It’s like no summer ever happened

It’s like no love can ever save me

In silence I hope to find myself able to decipher my own misery

But the noise is so insistent

A sing – song voice on a merry-go-around

It mocks me

A stained tongue stuck out to taunt me

A deliberate gesture

An expression measured

A calculated slight

A jab to the ribs

Aggressively pushing me

I realize I’ve been moving reluctantly

An exaggerated pace

Blurred vision

An unsure face

I never recognized in the mirror

I was looking for what I’m not

I almost missed it

Life

So close to solid ground

So stable I never needed to fix it

So fascinated by the silence of a funeral procession because the noise was so insistent

There were those rooting for me to relax and live but I was trying too hard to be different

Leaving me the same as so many who are overwrought with blame

Dismissing wisdom as noise rebelliously

Falling

I’m falling

Flailing towards the bottom

Friends around I’ve got them

Turning like leaves in autumn

Ignoring my trail of tears that has surpassed my path

Not preventing me from laughing just to be laughing

Nothing is funny

My act is just intact

I’m excelling in class

Feeling like I’m still dead last

The world is too vast for me to imagine my future is not some narrow channel in time

 

The only thing sure is my future is mine

The choices are mine

And if you can fathom being stuck in a corner

Notebook and pen with no real prompt for your life to begin

You’re watching the party

No inclination to join in

Not sure you’ll ever have a reason to celebrate

Quite sure together is not a thing you can communicate

Especially when solitude is all you can relate to

 

Friendships pattern, a bunch of mistakes who keep popping up out of the woodworks

Reminding me of things that still hurt

I remember being naïve and believing words

Affected by people and things they’ve heard

I wasn’t even trying to be special

I hoped to disappear

Now I have to remind people that I’m here

Here in the flesh

Thrashing about

Making a mess

Sharing my feelings with people I’ve never met

Until the whole world knows the rhythm of my beating heart

 

Maybe then I will land

Perhaps even gently