Letter to my soulcrusher

No asylum for my feelings I can’t be emotional

I’m a pariah when I tell the truth

You want my lies It’s so personal

And I take things too personal Feeling like everything is costing me my life

Seems like no matter what I try to do, all that hard effort will end in my strife

And it ain’t right like cheap vodka no chaser

Emotions bitter flavored and it makes me scrunch my face up

Too heavy too loud no rock concerts

No grins no smiles my feelings too hurt

Let me insert

I think it’s funny how…

Head tilted up

This ain’t no meme You got me messed up

You say I’m acting tough or too non-chalant

But when I act a fool suddenly I’m the crazy one

I hope you having fun killin me

You’d kick me off a cliff and write my eulogy with entitled audacity

Why not let me be me with no apologies?

It’s a real question

Instead you walking around like you feelin me

Long as things are good for you, you keep forgettin me

This is epitome of how I don’t want to be

I just want my life journey to be a good one

But my soul can’t breathe

Problematic

Problematic I would be if people got a hold of me

I’m not sure what they would see wrought with fear and jealousy

No colorblind men

We’re taught to hate

We cover it up

Pretend to relate

And we hate ourselves too

Expecting to be handed an I love you

But continue to have judgment on the menu

And who knows how we’ll fall when God calls us out on it all

We’re selective

We’ve got extremely skewed perspectives

And ain’t no amount of electives gon teach us

We holla “work together” then we put it beneath us

Because the hate make it hard to get ahead

And reality makes it hard to lie in bed

Admitting that our free world is really not a great battle of good and evil

There are the decisions of a few

Opinions of a great many

We could argue payroll and how they’ll take every penny

Our religious hang-ups

Preoccupations with sex

Denial of real issues one generation to the next

Hell’s highway forged in blood

Someone’s mother shedding tears

Every decade it gets harder to celebrate living

It’s all about having

Not breathing

Certainly not giving

But who can afford to give a dollar away when they’re living above their means anyway

I’m constantly just trying to get by

I know it’s problematic

Constantly trying not to panic

I’m bipolar

Can’t keep my moods in check

Feelings carefree for second

Then up to my neck in problems in the next

So be forgiving if I don’t pay attention half the time to the world’s problems

I can’t even solve my own

I see the headlines and I’m angry and I feel hopeless

I don’t want to know this

But everyone sees the black on my skin

I can hide my feelings but I can’t hold the color in

And it’s supposed to make me act some kind of way

I don’t know how

I don’t even have rhythm and I didn’t listen to any rap today

I’ve always been the oddball

I like books better than people

They don’t stereotype me or compete with me either

Why can’t we exist without having to be best

I’m down with ambitious but give the competition a rest

I can’t have no friends because they are Joneses I gotta keep up with

When I really just wanna see what’ s up with

Watch some anime and share a couple of shots with

But I gotta cinch my waist and beat the down the gym door

Do my squats everyday, and cardio in the early morning

And going to work is like a period of mourning

And going to school chasing the big bucks is my current struggle

And I know it’s been sung in song

But I’ll say it again

People just can’t be real so no new friends

Makes life boring

But drama these days is so corny

When even minding your business can incite calamity

Seems like the whole world is problematic

I got issues

No way to negate those feelings for things past
I’m reeling
Increasing unrealistic
The pain lasts
My mindset from back then keeps my bags packs
Don’t trust nobody
Can’t relax
Nobody understands I miss my dogtags
Uniformity was my only setback
Didn’t understand what ease I had
Never knew I was making things difficult
Just didn’t wanna be typical
Wanted to be my type
Thought rainbow was just right
Didn’t cure my headaches
Didn’t soothe my insides
I looked cool but I felt crazy
My goals in life are more than a little hazy
I’d love to say that it don’t phase me
But it breaks my heart
The discord, it pains me
Makes me feel obligated to explain things
But the trouble is I can’t pair the words together right
Everyday is disoriented
I can’t even sleep at night
I wish I had it together
But I guess I got issues