When you’re angry with me

I don’t take rejection very well It’s like when I lose my temper Nothing matters Cold like December I freeze over My idle hands empty as my mind becomes. Heavy and graceless And the tears won’t run It seems redundant. So the sun goes down on a frown, maybe the longest running. And whatever angry energy remains at 3 in the morning turns to sadness and full blown depression by five And rather than be in my feelings I’m scarcely alive having shut down and retreated as far as I can to hide away from my own heart

Problematic

Problematic I would be if people got a hold of me

I’m not sure what they would see wrought with fear and jealousy

No colorblind men

We’re taught to hate

We cover it up

Pretend to relate

And we hate ourselves too

Expecting to be handed an I love you

But continue to have judgment on the menu

And who knows how we’ll fall when God calls us out on it all

We’re selective

We’ve got extremely skewed perspectives

And ain’t no amount of electives gon teach us

We holla “work together” then we put it beneath us

Because the hate make it hard to get ahead

And reality makes it hard to lie in bed

Admitting that our free world is really not a great battle of good and evil

There are the decisions of a few

Opinions of a great many

We could argue payroll and how they’ll take every penny

Our religious hang-ups

Preoccupations with sex

Denial of real issues one generation to the next

Hell’s highway forged in blood

Someone’s mother shedding tears

Every decade it gets harder to celebrate living

It’s all about having

Not breathing

Certainly not giving

But who can afford to give a dollar away when they’re living above their means anyway

I’m constantly just trying to get by

I know it’s problematic

Constantly trying not to panic

I’m bipolar

Can’t keep my moods in check

Feelings carefree for second

Then up to my neck in problems in the next

So be forgiving if I don’t pay attention half the time to the world’s problems

I can’t even solve my own

I see the headlines and I’m angry and I feel hopeless

I don’t want to know this

But everyone sees the black on my skin

I can hide my feelings but I can’t hold the color in

And it’s supposed to make me act some kind of way

I don’t know how

I don’t even have rhythm and I didn’t listen to any rap today

I’ve always been the oddball

I like books better than people

They don’t stereotype me or compete with me either

Why can’t we exist without having to be best

I’m down with ambitious but give the competition a rest

I can’t have no friends because they are Joneses I gotta keep up with

When I really just wanna see what’ s up with

Watch some anime and share a couple of shots with

But I gotta cinch my waist and beat the down the gym door

Do my squats everyday, and cardio in the early morning

And going to work is like a period of mourning

And going to school chasing the big bucks is my current struggle

And I know it’s been sung in song

But I’ll say it again

People just can’t be real so no new friends

Makes life boring

But drama these days is so corny

When even minding your business can incite calamity

Seems like the whole world is problematic

I got issues

No way to negate those feelings for things past
I’m reeling
Increasing unrealistic
The pain lasts
My mindset from back then keeps my bags packs
Don’t trust nobody
Can’t relax
Nobody understands I miss my dogtags
Uniformity was my only setback
Didn’t understand what ease I had
Never knew I was making things difficult
Just didn’t wanna be typical
Wanted to be my type
Thought rainbow was just right
Didn’t cure my headaches
Didn’t soothe my insides
I looked cool but I felt crazy
My goals in life are more than a little hazy
I’d love to say that it don’t phase me
But it breaks my heart
The discord, it pains me
Makes me feel obligated to explain things
But the trouble is I can’t pair the words together right
Everyday is disoriented
I can’t even sleep at night
I wish I had it together
But I guess I got issues

Becoming the Writer

This was the trouble
I wanted to make a song
But I ain’t have no rhythm
And I couldn’t sang
And I couldn’t dance
And so I wrote
Starting telling some stories
Glancing over my glasses
Got passionate for it and took a few classes
Started to share
Started to talk
Seems writing was my thang
The ideas wouldn’t halt
The ink flow was continuous
It was love
It was discontent
It was turnt up
It was drunk
It was calm
It got delirious sometimes
The ebb
The flow
Spoke to hundreds sometimes
Reading my thoughts is going along for a ride
Sometimes I’m too tame to be a roller coaster
I am the 86 Cadillac Deville going 85 on the freeway
Destination real no leeway
Hoping seizing the day is still in
Because before I was scared to go all in
I cared about so many insignificant opinions
I was listening to haters one,two, and they minions
Thinking I needed friends that could really get me
Them fakers got me
That wannabe thing was not me
That writing about things going on was all me
And yes if you’ve met me you’re part of my story
Whether naysaying or encouraging
Well that’s your convo with Jesus
For those of us trying to make it
I sure hope he sees us

Signs of life

Life is all our dreams and nightmares

We never wake up until someone appears that cares

We never really live until we love

Even then we never know how truly majestic breathing is until we suffer

When we suffer, the arms that we fall into may lead us astray

But the love of a true friend could always save us

I know I ain’t brave

Sometimes I think everything I’ve ever done is a mistake and everything I’ve accumulated is fake

What intangible quality have I acquired when I feel like I can’t have the things I desire?

My anger and anxiety could set the world on fire

But my, my, couldn’t I burn the image of my smile into the minds of every human being

If only I could just consistently do it

But tragedy befalls the beautiful dreamer if they never wake up

Only mourners follow and only to feel self important

In life my dreams may be nothing to the next man

Most don’t have time to try to understand

So feel amazing if you do find a soul out there that wants to celebrate birthdays with you

That wants to find a way to make everyday like the first

So random that it couldn’t be rehearsed

Crazy enough to make you feel so near and dear

Constantly performing magic to make relief reappear should life become a hurricane

Pointless Conflict

I’ve been stuck in closets
I chose to live in a box
When I burst out of it
There were bright colors, lots of fights and ill thoughts
Some people want to choose your choices
Funny that’s really not much of a choice
Don’t shun me for being quiet then get mad about hearing my voice
If my voice is a boom
My opinion resounds
We could be royalty
Why compete for a crown?
We crown ourselves fools when we go head to head
We crown ourselves ratchet with he said she said
We’re so educated, beautiful
So well put together
But when we argue about frivolous things…
Guess what?
We’re called ghetto
Social networking to be heard for the wrong reasons
Starting war for no clear reason
Personal vendettas?
We don’t like each other?
When the people that instigate don’t care if we’re sisters, wives, or mothers
And the things that you’re bashing me for you’ve done yourself
And your hate and distaste doesn’t alter my health
Even resorting to bold face lies
You’re crazed and consumed
Bet it’s blackening your eyes
Clouding up your aura
Trying to seep into mine
It bothers me on a different level
Hurts a little because it’s personal
But I’m talking in general
As black women why can’t we keep cattiness to a minimum?
As women why is being friends so unfeminine?
As people why can’t we politely disagree?
In conversations could you say in one sentence why you choose to hate me?
If you can’t then you’re wrong
To say hate is too strong
Even to dislike is questionable
The warning light is on
Time for a sanity check
Throw cold water on your face
Tell me
Are you awake yet?
Do I really affect your life with my decisions?
You don’t affect mine with yours
What’s with all the tension?
That’s a lot of wasted energy
Not even worth an honorable mention
Your soapbox speeches meant to degrade shouldn’t get so much attention
And let me point out that during our back and forth
We’re on each other’s minds like a pair of lovers

Reaction

The pull is otherworldly
It’s like a fog suddenly descends as you walk toward me
Your eyes seem to glow
It could be desire or maybe it’s just carnal instinct
The tension is leaving my body and my bra strap is sliding
You grab my breast as if you’re grabbing for life
You kiss me like power will enter your body via my mouth
My lips almost burn with the heat you radiate
My movements seem to be almost beyond my control
It’s very hard to focus so I just release my mind to wander
And it takes me to another place like we’re not merely in a room
Breathing hard in a flurry of rapid movement and falling articles of clothing
You stand there and I feel like I’ve never seen naked flesh
I’m gasping
my heart is beating fast
I am amazed at your beauty
I am always amazed
It’s like I called tails on a coin flip
The odds were in my favor and I got lucky
Except I don’t really look at you like a charm or a trophy
It really impossible for me to compare you to anything inanimate
You are so unapologetically alive
Your touch is awareness
Your breath on my neck awakens all dormant sensations
Your arms around me
Your body joined with me
The pleasure you freely give is a trap door in a cloud
I’m sure we were floating
I’m sure I’ve become rain coming down
And it’s the misty kind that cools the summer night