Bad Dream (Part I)

I dreamed about it because it really happened

Reality insistent

It just came crashing

We knew all the dangers but just dived in

Forever altering our ability to ever be friends

Volkswagen didn’t make this so no take backs

No safety features

There was no party but I promise you we raised our Jesus pieces

My sadness was on overflow

May as well have been rape for the toll it took

No victim comparison

It happened to me too but that’s a story for another book

He said I could not be his baby’s mama

And for some reason I agreed I had no right to demand a life for his seed

Silly me the murderer because I was too weak

Didn’t wanna face the music

The whole talk was so cheap

We created a ghost that would follow me through years

We created a ghost that would talk to me in my sleep

And you will say I had choices

But let me tell you about choices

No matter which one you choose you still hear voices

And that word hoe that people throw around

I became fine with it

Must be because they liked me

I went to town with it

I was so hot even the girls liked me

Yet my best time was with the fifth of Hennessy in my drawer

I wanted everything that happened behind closed doors to be outdoors before

But after that thing happened I wasn’t happy anymore

Deep down there was a sadness whittling a perfect hole in my heart

And everything around me just happened but I didn’t feel I was part of it

I found things to destroy

My life mostly

Without my daughter to live for hell would be toasting me right now

Had I known trauma would be inbound because one day out of my life

I might’ve stopped I might’ve thought

And brought the probability of this particular bad dream to a halt

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What I am What I should be

I’m always getting anxiety about the forces that be trying to make me something that I’m not
But what if what I’m not is what I should be?
I’m always dreaming of apostrophes and sometimes I think they own me
Almighty dollar is what’s wrong with me
Bill paying prolongs the disease
I chase the flicker of the green that comes from machines hoping to see more green outside my window
All I ever notice is the dim light of daybreak and before I know it, night has swallowed me
My body aches and becomes heavy hoping for rest but I am one of many weary ones
I can’t afford to sleep
I guiltily nap on my days off feeling as though I’m missing something that might pay off
I neglect family for homework due
I drag into work
I drag into school
People say stay encouraged
What else can I do?
I just keep on going
I choose not to choose
And should I fall into blissful sleep
I hope it’s not all in vain and I wake up to that which I seek
And I really hope I have become what I should be

Signs of life

Life is all our dreams and nightmares

We never wake up until someone appears that cares

We never really live until we love

Even then we never know how truly majestic breathing is until we suffer

When we suffer, the arms that we fall into may lead us astray

But the love of a true friend could always save us

I know I ain’t brave

Sometimes I think everything I’ve ever done is a mistake and everything I’ve accumulated is fake

What intangible quality have I acquired when I feel like I can’t have the things I desire?

My anger and anxiety could set the world on fire

But my, my, couldn’t I burn the image of my smile into the minds of every human being

If only I could just consistently do it

But tragedy befalls the beautiful dreamer if they never wake up

Only mourners follow and only to feel self important

In life my dreams may be nothing to the next man

Most don’t have time to try to understand

So feel amazing if you do find a soul out there that wants to celebrate birthdays with you

That wants to find a way to make everyday like the first

So random that it couldn’t be rehearsed

Crazy enough to make you feel so near and dear

Constantly performing magic to make relief reappear should life become a hurricane

That Getting Money Thing

Not everybody getting money

I’m not

But I got plenty people holding me down

Not everybody applauding me or calling me hot

But still I know I will gain ground

Days I cry silently wishing I could scream

I want to delete my Facebook, my Instagram

Swearing if I see one more meme

I’m gonna give up social media

Because all I see is people living my dreams

And I forget that some people are pretenders

And others have struggled to be where they are

I have to congratulate them to bring a note of positivity into my peripheral vision

I have to note that journeys in life are long but not never-ending

So I shouldn’t waste them just existing

Waiting for my day

Waiting for THE day

Didn’t somebody say seize the day?

 

I am chomping the bit

I want I want I need

I am grinding for that dime

But I feel like I’m working for a dime

I constantly feeling like I’m wasting my time

But I can’t hack into the great hourglass to accelerate my future

I must contend with my past and finally learn a lesson

Like counting my blessings instead of wishing and clicking, saving long lists like an obsession

I haven’t found what I love yet
I just realized that

Don’t judge my confession

 

I have it in my head that I need to settle down

I have this nagging voice in my head that tells me to be afraid

I have not figured things out

I am rational and not as brave as I’d like to be

But I’m done trying to be other people

Although I’m lost trying to find me

People ask what my plans are

I can only tell them what I might be

And I might say what I feel and people might not like me

But at least I’ll know I’m being real

 

And about that getting money thing

Who knows what’s in store?

It could be you and me just dandy with dimes that made dollars