Silent Treatment

My breath gets caught in my chest when I look into your eyes at times Your eyes that smile and scowl as if independent from the rest of your face. You can condemn me without words. You can tell me you love me with a glance. The sound of your voice is a bonus but your silence is a curse that cuts The touch of your lips can soothe the sting of the wound it causes but love and understanding is the only real cure Your sincerity would give you the prayer to pray that would hide both our hearts from the dreaded silence that erodes the progress that we brave our own minds for My sincerity keeps me here swiftly bowing in what I hope is not too long of an apology for not being as kind as possible

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Problematic

Problematic I would be if people got a hold of me

I’m not sure what they would see wrought with fear and jealousy

No colorblind men

We’re taught to hate

We cover it up

Pretend to relate

And we hate ourselves too

Expecting to be handed an I love you

But continue to have judgment on the menu

And who knows how we’ll fall when God calls us out on it all

We’re selective

We’ve got extremely skewed perspectives

And ain’t no amount of electives gon teach us

We holla “work together” then we put it beneath us

Because the hate make it hard to get ahead

And reality makes it hard to lie in bed

Admitting that our free world is really not a great battle of good and evil

There are the decisions of a few

Opinions of a great many

We could argue payroll and how they’ll take every penny

Our religious hang-ups

Preoccupations with sex

Denial of real issues one generation to the next

Hell’s highway forged in blood

Someone’s mother shedding tears

Every decade it gets harder to celebrate living

It’s all about having

Not breathing

Certainly not giving

But who can afford to give a dollar away when they’re living above their means anyway

I’m constantly just trying to get by

I know it’s problematic

Constantly trying not to panic

I’m bipolar

Can’t keep my moods in check

Feelings carefree for second

Then up to my neck in problems in the next

So be forgiving if I don’t pay attention half the time to the world’s problems

I can’t even solve my own

I see the headlines and I’m angry and I feel hopeless

I don’t want to know this

But everyone sees the black on my skin

I can hide my feelings but I can’t hold the color in

And it’s supposed to make me act some kind of way

I don’t know how

I don’t even have rhythm and I didn’t listen to any rap today

I’ve always been the oddball

I like books better than people

They don’t stereotype me or compete with me either

Why can’t we exist without having to be best

I’m down with ambitious but give the competition a rest

I can’t have no friends because they are Joneses I gotta keep up with

When I really just wanna see what’ s up with

Watch some anime and share a couple of shots with

But I gotta cinch my waist and beat the down the gym door

Do my squats everyday, and cardio in the early morning

And going to work is like a period of mourning

And going to school chasing the big bucks is my current struggle

And I know it’s been sung in song

But I’ll say it again

People just can’t be real so no new friends

Makes life boring

But drama these days is so corny

When even minding your business can incite calamity

Seems like the whole world is problematic

Bad Dream (Part I)

I dreamed about it because it really happened

Reality insistent

It just came crashing

We knew all the dangers but just dived in

Forever altering our ability to ever be friends

Volkswagen didn’t make this so no take backs

No safety features

There was no party but I promise you we raised our Jesus pieces

My sadness was on overflow

May as well have been rape for the toll it took

No victim comparison

It happened to me too but that’s a story for another book

He said I could not be his baby’s mama

And for some reason I agreed I had no right to demand a life for his seed

Silly me the murderer because I was too weak

Didn’t wanna face the music

The whole talk was so cheap

We created a ghost that would follow me through years

We created a ghost that would talk to me in my sleep

And you will say I had choices

But let me tell you about choices

No matter which one you choose you still hear voices

And that word hoe that people throw around

I became fine with it

Must be because they liked me

I went to town with it

I was so hot even the girls liked me

Yet my best time was with the fifth of Hennessy in my drawer

I wanted everything that happened behind closed doors to be outdoors before

But after that thing happened I wasn’t happy anymore

Deep down there was a sadness whittling a perfect hole in my heart

And everything around me just happened but I didn’t feel I was part of it

I found things to destroy

My life mostly

Without my daughter to live for hell would be toasting me right now

Had I known trauma would be inbound because one day out of my life

I might’ve stopped I might’ve thought

And brought the probability of this particular bad dream to a halt

A Desperation

To be human is to be desperate and I desperately need to be loved

I feel like the ignorance and hatefulness around me will swallow me up

So every morning I try harder even though it seems all the good slips further away

It could be all these rainy days making me long for warmth

It could be a viral sadness suffocating me slowly

But bottom line is I feel this desperation to live

I want a little more than existence

I want a little more than brief friendships and briefer courtships

Understand the salvation of a soul

Understand the tangle of a brilliant mind

Foggy, Exhausted, nearly wasted potential

It’s pathetic that holding hands is not a significant moment in most people’s lives

Much less realizing the extent of love for someone else before they’re gone

The World I See

Pander to the violins not to crush my dreams
Lets the drums roll like thunder to announce my coming of age
It came in stages unlike my foolishness that prevailed all at once
The sun broke my cloudy exterior
I can see the outside world for what it is now
It is not the playground I imagined
It is not quite the war torn desolation I read about
It is a land that is paradise for some and a nightmare for others
Where mothers cry at the funerals of their sons
And people are rewarded for mediocrity
But sometimes…
Good prevails
Love conquers hearts
And children cause old men to remember their imaginations
Producing laughter not originating from madness but from joy deep in their bellies

I got issues

No way to negate those feelings for things past
I’m reeling
Increasing unrealistic
The pain lasts
My mindset from back then keeps my bags packs
Don’t trust nobody
Can’t relax
Nobody understands I miss my dogtags
Uniformity was my only setback
Didn’t understand what ease I had
Never knew I was making things difficult
Just didn’t wanna be typical
Wanted to be my type
Thought rainbow was just right
Didn’t cure my headaches
Didn’t soothe my insides
I looked cool but I felt crazy
My goals in life are more than a little hazy
I’d love to say that it don’t phase me
But it breaks my heart
The discord, it pains me
Makes me feel obligated to explain things
But the trouble is I can’t pair the words together right
Everyday is disoriented
I can’t even sleep at night
I wish I had it together
But I guess I got issues

Becoming the Writer

This was the trouble
I wanted to make a song
But I ain’t have no rhythm
And I couldn’t sang
And I couldn’t dance
And so I wrote
Starting telling some stories
Glancing over my glasses
Got passionate for it and took a few classes
Started to share
Started to talk
Seems writing was my thang
The ideas wouldn’t halt
The ink flow was continuous
It was love
It was discontent
It was turnt up
It was drunk
It was calm
It got delirious sometimes
The ebb
The flow
Spoke to hundreds sometimes
Reading my thoughts is going along for a ride
Sometimes I’m too tame to be a roller coaster
I am the 86 Cadillac Deville going 85 on the freeway
Destination real no leeway
Hoping seizing the day is still in
Because before I was scared to go all in
I cared about so many insignificant opinions
I was listening to haters one,two, and they minions
Thinking I needed friends that could really get me
Them fakers got me
That wannabe thing was not me
That writing about things going on was all me
And yes if you’ve met me you’re part of my story
Whether naysaying or encouraging
Well that’s your convo with Jesus
For those of us trying to make it
I sure hope he sees us