Bad Dream (Part I)

I dreamed about it because it really happened

Reality insistent

It just came crashing

We knew all the dangers but just dived in

Forever altering our ability to ever be friends

Volkswagen didn’t make this so no take backs

No safety features

There was no party but I promise you we raised our Jesus pieces

My sadness was on overflow

May as well have been rape for the toll it took

No victim comparison

It happened to me too but that’s a story for another book

He said I could not be his baby’s mama

And for some reason I agreed I had no right to demand a life for his seed

Silly me the murderer because I was too weak

Didn’t wanna face the music

The whole talk was so cheap

We created a ghost that would follow me through years

We created a ghost that would talk to me in my sleep

And you will say I had choices

But let me tell you about choices

No matter which one you choose you still hear voices

And that word hoe that people throw around

I became fine with it

Must be because they liked me

I went to town with it

I was so hot even the girls liked me

Yet my best time was with the fifth of Hennessy in my drawer

I wanted everything that happened behind closed doors to be outdoors before

But after that thing happened I wasn’t happy anymore

Deep down there was a sadness whittling a perfect hole in my heart

And everything around me just happened but I didn’t feel I was part of it

I found things to destroy

My life mostly

Without my daughter to live for hell would be toasting me right now

Had I known trauma would be inbound because one day out of my life

I might’ve stopped I might’ve thought

And brought the probability of this particular bad dream to a halt

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New Song Familiar Tune

New year
New fear
Old excuses, New uses
Wet tissues, Well tuned violins
Low on money but got some friends Some like sisters, brothers too
But others too sexy
Polar pull
Wanna be the opposite of the young me with no confidence
Action my providence
Perseverance is solving this global warming of my atmosphere
Cooling it off because it hot in here Running out of time to make moves Gotta just do something without having something to prove
Without worry about what the next person gon do
Just wanna show up and eyes light up like oh it’s you!
Happy that I’m breathing
Dreams living
Double teaming the harsh reality we living
Arms still open and giving
Never letting the doors of my heart close
Like opening the doors to the church and never turning up my nose
New year
New decision on a different note
And now a selection from the choir They know

Just A Hug

I miss you even though you’re standing right there
We’re a million miles in separate directions leading to nowhere
We’re reaching out grabbing fists full of air
We’re reaching out because we don’t know what else to do

We’re seeking solace
Just need a piece
Just need contact
Not restless sleep

It’s definitely my fault
I let you go
You asked for love and I said no
I had your bags packed
I was so ready
Didn’t want reminders of you
But you were everywhere

Trying not to think of you
But you’re still standing there
A monolith that maidens hang flowers on
The picture of joy and gaiety
I want you to hate me
Because it haunts me
The truth
That you loved me and still do

Whatever wrongs there were
I can’t dwell on
What could’ve been makes me cry
Life was concrete and I fell on it
I played cool about it because I knew why

I put popularity over my happiness
I threw away forever for something temporary
And gratification was so instant that it was gone in an instant
And my craving was so insistent
I plowed through the beds of my choosing
If alcohol and sex were drugs
I was using

I was abusing
I was abused
I was damaged
I wanted to be used
I didn’t feel like a person
I thought it all had to be a dream
Or a nightmare where everyone was insincere and mean

You were in my corner
Even though I pierced your soul
You stood tall although I knew you couldn’t possibly be whole
Nobody compared

Silly me
I compared them all to you
And they failed
Miserably
And I put them all out of their misery
But of course having done that
There was no comfort for me
I was in a bad place
And you couldn’t save me

I had to save myself
And you couldn’t pay me to wrinkle time
I could never undo anything that was done anyway
We are who are because of it
And we know life is not a black cloud that we’re stuck in
Though it seems like we’re looking at each other from separate universes
And we’re reaching in
For us, just a hug would be amazing

Reaction

The pull is otherworldly
It’s like a fog suddenly descends as you walk toward me
Your eyes seem to glow
It could be desire or maybe it’s just carnal instinct
The tension is leaving my body and my bra strap is sliding
You grab my breast as if you’re grabbing for life
You kiss me like power will enter your body via my mouth
My lips almost burn with the heat you radiate
My movements seem to be almost beyond my control
It’s very hard to focus so I just release my mind to wander
And it takes me to another place like we’re not merely in a room
Breathing hard in a flurry of rapid movement and falling articles of clothing
You stand there and I feel like I’ve never seen naked flesh
I’m gasping
my heart is beating fast
I am amazed at your beauty
I am always amazed
It’s like I called tails on a coin flip
The odds were in my favor and I got lucky
Except I don’t really look at you like a charm or a trophy
It really impossible for me to compare you to anything inanimate
You are so unapologetically alive
Your touch is awareness
Your breath on my neck awakens all dormant sensations
Your arms around me
Your body joined with me
The pleasure you freely give is a trap door in a cloud
I’m sure we were floating
I’m sure I’ve become rain coming down
And it’s the misty kind that cools the summer night