Problematic

Problematic I would be if people got a hold of me

I’m not sure what they would see wrought with fear and jealousy

No colorblind men

We’re taught to hate

We cover it up

Pretend to relate

And we hate ourselves too

Expecting to be handed an I love you

But continue to have judgment on the menu

And who knows how we’ll fall when God calls us out on it all

We’re selective

We’ve got extremely skewed perspectives

And ain’t no amount of electives gon teach us

We holla “work together” then we put it beneath us

Because the hate make it hard to get ahead

And reality makes it hard to lie in bed

Admitting that our free world is really not a great battle of good and evil

There are the decisions of a few

Opinions of a great many

We could argue payroll and how they’ll take every penny

Our religious hang-ups

Preoccupations with sex

Denial of real issues one generation to the next

Hell’s highway forged in blood

Someone’s mother shedding tears

Every decade it gets harder to celebrate living

It’s all about having

Not breathing

Certainly not giving

But who can afford to give a dollar away when they’re living above their means anyway

I’m constantly just trying to get by

I know it’s problematic

Constantly trying not to panic

I’m bipolar

Can’t keep my moods in check

Feelings carefree for second

Then up to my neck in problems in the next

So be forgiving if I don’t pay attention half the time to the world’s problems

I can’t even solve my own

I see the headlines and I’m angry and I feel hopeless

I don’t want to know this

But everyone sees the black on my skin

I can hide my feelings but I can’t hold the color in

And it’s supposed to make me act some kind of way

I don’t know how

I don’t even have rhythm and I didn’t listen to any rap today

I’ve always been the oddball

I like books better than people

They don’t stereotype me or compete with me either

Why can’t we exist without having to be best

I’m down with ambitious but give the competition a rest

I can’t have no friends because they are Joneses I gotta keep up with

When I really just wanna see what’ s up with

Watch some anime and share a couple of shots with

But I gotta cinch my waist and beat the down the gym door

Do my squats everyday, and cardio in the early morning

And going to work is like a period of mourning

And going to school chasing the big bucks is my current struggle

And I know it’s been sung in song

But I’ll say it again

People just can’t be real so no new friends

Makes life boring

But drama these days is so corny

When even minding your business can incite calamity

Seems like the whole world is problematic

Bad Dream (Part I)

I dreamed about it because it really happened

Reality insistent

It just came crashing

We knew all the dangers but just dived in

Forever altering our ability to ever be friends

Volkswagen didn’t make this so no take backs

No safety features

There was no party but I promise you we raised our Jesus pieces

My sadness was on overflow

May as well have been rape for the toll it took

No victim comparison

It happened to me too but that’s a story for another book

He said I could not be his baby’s mama

And for some reason I agreed I had no right to demand a life for his seed

Silly me the murderer because I was too weak

Didn’t wanna face the music

The whole talk was so cheap

We created a ghost that would follow me through years

We created a ghost that would talk to me in my sleep

And you will say I had choices

But let me tell you about choices

No matter which one you choose you still hear voices

And that word hoe that people throw around

I became fine with it

Must be because they liked me

I went to town with it

I was so hot even the girls liked me

Yet my best time was with the fifth of Hennessy in my drawer

I wanted everything that happened behind closed doors to be outdoors before

But after that thing happened I wasn’t happy anymore

Deep down there was a sadness whittling a perfect hole in my heart

And everything around me just happened but I didn’t feel I was part of it

I found things to destroy

My life mostly

Without my daughter to live for hell would be toasting me right now

Had I known trauma would be inbound because one day out of my life

I might’ve stopped I might’ve thought

And brought the probability of this particular bad dream to a halt

Pointless Conflict

I’ve been stuck in closets
I chose to live in a box
When I burst out of it
There were bright colors, lots of fights and ill thoughts
Some people want to choose your choices
Funny that’s really not much of a choice
Don’t shun me for being quiet then get mad about hearing my voice
If my voice is a boom
My opinion resounds
We could be royalty
Why compete for a crown?
We crown ourselves fools when we go head to head
We crown ourselves ratchet with he said she said
We’re so educated, beautiful
So well put together
But when we argue about frivolous things…
Guess what?
We’re called ghetto
Social networking to be heard for the wrong reasons
Starting war for no clear reason
Personal vendettas?
We don’t like each other?
When the people that instigate don’t care if we’re sisters, wives, or mothers
And the things that you’re bashing me for you’ve done yourself
And your hate and distaste doesn’t alter my health
Even resorting to bold face lies
You’re crazed and consumed
Bet it’s blackening your eyes
Clouding up your aura
Trying to seep into mine
It bothers me on a different level
Hurts a little because it’s personal
But I’m talking in general
As black women why can’t we keep cattiness to a minimum?
As women why is being friends so unfeminine?
As people why can’t we politely disagree?
In conversations could you say in one sentence why you choose to hate me?
If you can’t then you’re wrong
To say hate is too strong
Even to dislike is questionable
The warning light is on
Time for a sanity check
Throw cold water on your face
Tell me
Are you awake yet?
Do I really affect your life with my decisions?
You don’t affect mine with yours
What’s with all the tension?
That’s a lot of wasted energy
Not even worth an honorable mention
Your soapbox speeches meant to degrade shouldn’t get so much attention
And let me point out that during our back and forth
We’re on each other’s minds like a pair of lovers