Letter to my soulcrusher

No asylum for my feelings I can’t be emotional

I’m a pariah when I tell the truth

You want my lies It’s so personal

And I take things too personal Feeling like everything is costing me my life

Seems like no matter what I try to do, all that hard effort will end in my strife

And it ain’t right like cheap vodka no chaser

Emotions bitter flavored and it makes me scrunch my face up

Too heavy too loud no rock concerts

No grins no smiles my feelings too hurt

Let me insert

I think it’s funny how…

Head tilted up

This ain’t no meme You got me messed up

You say I’m acting tough or too non-chalant

But when I act a fool suddenly I’m the crazy one

I hope you having fun killin me

You’d kick me off a cliff and write my eulogy with entitled audacity

Why not let me be me with no apologies?

It’s a real question

Instead you walking around like you feelin me

Long as things are good for you, you keep forgettin me

This is epitome of how I don’t want to be

I just want my life journey to be a good one

But my soul can’t breathe

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When you’re angry with me

I don’t take rejection very well It’s like when I lose my temper Nothing matters Cold like December I freeze over My idle hands empty as my mind becomes. Heavy and graceless And the tears won’t run It seems redundant. So the sun goes down on a frown, maybe the longest running. And whatever angry energy remains at 3 in the morning turns to sadness and full blown depression by five And rather than be in my feelings I’m scarcely alive having shut down and retreated as far as I can to hide away from my own heart

Pointless Conflict

I’ve been stuck in closets
I chose to live in a box
When I burst out of it
There were bright colors, lots of fights and ill thoughts
Some people want to choose your choices
Funny that’s really not much of a choice
Don’t shun me for being quiet then get mad about hearing my voice
If my voice is a boom
My opinion resounds
We could be royalty
Why compete for a crown?
We crown ourselves fools when we go head to head
We crown ourselves ratchet with he said she said
We’re so educated, beautiful
So well put together
But when we argue about frivolous things…
Guess what?
We’re called ghetto
Social networking to be heard for the wrong reasons
Starting war for no clear reason
Personal vendettas?
We don’t like each other?
When the people that instigate don’t care if we’re sisters, wives, or mothers
And the things that you’re bashing me for you’ve done yourself
And your hate and distaste doesn’t alter my health
Even resorting to bold face lies
You’re crazed and consumed
Bet it’s blackening your eyes
Clouding up your aura
Trying to seep into mine
It bothers me on a different level
Hurts a little because it’s personal
But I’m talking in general
As black women why can’t we keep cattiness to a minimum?
As women why is being friends so unfeminine?
As people why can’t we politely disagree?
In conversations could you say in one sentence why you choose to hate me?
If you can’t then you’re wrong
To say hate is too strong
Even to dislike is questionable
The warning light is on
Time for a sanity check
Throw cold water on your face
Tell me
Are you awake yet?
Do I really affect your life with my decisions?
You don’t affect mine with yours
What’s with all the tension?
That’s a lot of wasted energy
Not even worth an honorable mention
Your soapbox speeches meant to degrade shouldn’t get so much attention
And let me point out that during our back and forth
We’re on each other’s minds like a pair of lovers

War Bout Listening

On a midnight mission to make you listen

Trying to stay out of my kitchen

Don’t wanna drink and start trippin

I’m pouring cherry coke and brandy and cognac and whatever brown I got

I’m downing the bottle until I’m in the bottom of it looking up

Lost

Thinking too hard about what you saying and not anything that I said

For a second

Split

I think maybe I should have said sorry but then I remember again that you never listen

Quit

Talking

I can’t even hear you anymore

I’m sliding to the floor, head in my hands

Not wanting to understand

I feel like showing my ass

And later I’ll wonder why you left so fast

And I’ll get up and step on broken bits of plate

Trailing blood on my carpet in a quickly sobered up state

Six in the morning wondering if you’ll come back home or call

Not knowing if I really want you here at all

Not sure if I said that to you or myself

I did a lot of talking and not much else

Maybe if I’d listened I’d know how we both felt

Oh…

Well you should’ve listened to me in the first place!