Noise

The noise is so insistent

Time so unrepentant

It leaves me behind

I’m stuck in the past remembering a better time

There is no room in the present

I want to wedge myself in between what was and will be

I want to live but somehow I’m frozen

Aging at a standstill

Life passing by in a parade of fools

Fools that enjoy and lay waste to everything I wish I had

Mediocrity smiling in my face as it excels

I rot in anonymity

I sob inky tears onto white paper

I toil in gray with blue skies out of my reach

It’s like no summer ever happened

It’s like no love can ever save me

In silence I hope to find myself able to decipher my own misery

But the noise is so insistent

A sing – song voice on a merry-go-around

It mocks me

A stained tongue stuck out to taunt me

A deliberate gesture

An expression measured

A calculated slight

A jab to the ribs

Aggressively pushing me

I realize I’ve been moving reluctantly

An exaggerated pace

Blurred vision

An unsure face

I never recognized in the mirror

I was looking for what I’m not

I almost missed it

Life

So close to solid ground

So stable I never needed to fix it

So fascinated by the silence of a funeral procession because the noise was so insistent

There were those rooting for me to relax and live but I was trying too hard to be different

Leaving me the same as so many who are overwrought with blame

Dismissing wisdom as noise rebelliously

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Falling

I’m falling

Flailing towards the bottom

Friends around I’ve got them

Turning like leaves in autumn

Ignoring my trail of tears that has surpassed my path

Not preventing me from laughing just to be laughing

Nothing is funny

My act is just intact

I’m excelling in class

Feeling like I’m still dead last

The world is too vast for me to imagine my future is not some narrow channel in time

 

The only thing sure is my future is mine

The choices are mine

And if you can fathom being stuck in a corner

Notebook and pen with no real prompt for your life to begin

You’re watching the party

No inclination to join in

Not sure you’ll ever have a reason to celebrate

Quite sure together is not a thing you can communicate

Especially when solitude is all you can relate to

 

Friendships pattern, a bunch of mistakes who keep popping up out of the woodworks

Reminding me of things that still hurt

I remember being naïve and believing words

Affected by people and things they’ve heard

I wasn’t even trying to be special

I hoped to disappear

Now I have to remind people that I’m here

Here in the flesh

Thrashing about

Making a mess

Sharing my feelings with people I’ve never met

Until the whole world knows the rhythm of my beating heart

 

Maybe then I will land

Perhaps even gently

War Bout Listening

On a midnight mission to make you listen

Trying to stay out of my kitchen

Don’t wanna drink and start trippin

I’m pouring cherry coke and brandy and cognac and whatever brown I got

I’m downing the bottle until I’m in the bottom of it looking up

Lost

Thinking too hard about what you saying and not anything that I said

For a second

Split

I think maybe I should have said sorry but then I remember again that you never listen

Quit

Talking

I can’t even hear you anymore

I’m sliding to the floor, head in my hands

Not wanting to understand

I feel like showing my ass

And later I’ll wonder why you left so fast

And I’ll get up and step on broken bits of plate

Trailing blood on my carpet in a quickly sobered up state

Six in the morning wondering if you’ll come back home or call

Not knowing if I really want you here at all

Not sure if I said that to you or myself

I did a lot of talking and not much else

Maybe if I’d listened I’d know how we both felt

Oh…

Well you should’ve listened to me in the first place!